I've recently realized how ridiculously American I am. I think I'm the worst kind too. I don't give a fuck if it's not cool either. In another country, I'd probably stick out like a sore thumb.

It's not that I'm incapable of appreciation of other cultures, far from it. It's some crazy shit.

I just have a feeling I'd stick out.

I have the dumbest motivation for working out. I wanna Cosplay Kamina/Simon/Sousuke/Rock. Dumb.

I have a serious need for some jungle boots now though.

For those who don't follow hockey or want to know the Reason I won't be myself for a couple of days...( Read more... )

I honestly have no idea how people can be so rigid and unfixed in their beliefs. Reading a lot a philosophy has cued me into the importance of language as more than a tool for expressing ourselves. Language, if used correctly can be a statement of truth. Philosophy is amazing. It's the search for that greater meaning in life, not only that, but an examination of concepts we might know of, but don't understand...what does it mean to know something, is knowledge Truth, and how can we arrive at the Truth. What truly constitutes virtue. There's a reason Philosophy is still alive and kicking, people have found different answers to the same questions. Philosophy asks that we evaluate everything we say and think, every claim made, based on it's truth. Not whether we think it is right, but whether it actually is. And Philosophy questions the value systems we make our justifications under. The key component of Philosophy is actually understanding that you are looking for Truth about the Truth. I know people who abuse that every day, and I don't have the skill of Socrates to bring them around.

Something that dovetails with the importance of Language is George Orwell's Politics and the English Language. Fucking brilliant essay. It will change the way you write forever if you take it to heart. http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm

Philosophy has led me to a problem of foundation. And illogically...it's the one of the few base plates I've left to stand on. So I'll continue my nascent examination of truth, but first, for the counterculture people out there...I've got some Hunter S. Thompson. Anybody who loves Abbie Hoffman should seriously read this and realize what happened to their movement. It's toast, and those who rode the waves are in stagnation.

"Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era—the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run . . . but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. . . .

History is hard to know, because of all the hired bullshit, but even without being sure of “history” it seems entirely reasonable to think that every now and then the energy of a whole generation comes to a head in a long fine flash, for reasons that nobody really understands at the time—and which never explain, in retrospect, what actually happened.

My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty nights—or very early mornings—when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at a hundred miles an hour wearing L. L. Bean shorts and a Butte sheepherder's jacket . . . booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which turn-off to take when I got to the other end (always stalling at the toll-gate, too twisted to find neutral while I fumbled for change) . . . but being absolutely certain that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were just as high and wild as I was: No doubt at all about that. . . .

There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda. . . . You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. . . .

And that, I think, was the handle—that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting—on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. . . .

So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark—that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back"

All of these "Feel Good"/"Empower your Life"/ etc books...They're some of the lessons of Philosophy without the learning behind it. So the people who take that advice...can only act within the defined boundaries

Game 5 almost gave me a stroke. I wimped out though, and didn't even watch the last five minutes of regulation...until I heard my dad yell. And Maxime Talbot had saved the day with 30something seconds left. And then we watched the 3OT periods together. And freaked the hell out when Petr Skyora did what he said he would.

Game 6, Home Ice. I'm glad I don't have work tonight, because I'd try to call in sick. Even though if they force a game 7, I will have work.

Serving tasty treats is fun. I actually like working at Coldstone. It's the people who don't tip that I hate, and some of them, I can understand. But others, man I guess some people really enjoy keeping track of spare change, friggin skinflints. At least I've learned to tip.

GPA pretty good? Check
Penguins in the Eastern Conference Finals? Check
Magic moving beyond the first round of the NBA playoffs? Check
Order Alesis DM-5 Pro Drum Kit? Check
Help out around the house and make life a little easier for my folks? Check
Pay Adam completely back for the Radiohead concert? Almost.
Actually get a job so the idle time I have seems deserved? Not yet.
Workout on a regular basis? No, not yet.
Actually learn to play the drums? Gotta get them delivered first.
Admit that I actually like most of the music Adam has? I'll do it to his face so he can gloat at the retraction of my criticism.
Make plans to hang out with girls over the summer? Not yet.

This year seems to a perfect storm for the sports that never got any luck for me. The Magic lead their division, and are 3rd in their conference.

The Penguins lead the eastern conference.

Can I get a fuck yeah!

AMEN!

One year older, but apparently, not one year smarter. My birthday was hella awesome. And by that I mean, I drank a little too much. Said some dumb things I remember, did some things I didn't remember at all, and in general, was a little too intoxicated though. Woo for intoxication! Boo for doing stupid things that I didn't mean to do.

Fucked up on a Geography test. Changed my answers about atmospheric storage of radiation, and about units of latent heat, and the characteristics of cyclones. At the last minute, I robbed myself of an A/B. Could be pretty bad. Tis over now, but whatever.

Got shit from my friends for hanging out with an attractive girl for a couple hours and not doing stuff with her. Um. Yeah. It's a little tougher for me to judge if I can make out with a girl if I barely know her. I started talking to her because she's an interesting, and pretty good looking human being. I mean, I see a cute girl next to me in class, I'm not going ignore her. She just happened to respond. So whatever, I have no idea how to seduce girls. I could wave my hand at them, and declare 'You will take off your pants' with a straight face. Doubtful if that'd work.

Haven't written in this space on the internet that I own enough recently. Might start making daily observations, cause I paid for this personalization, might as well use it.

Some things that came to mind today. The more I think about something, and/or stress about it, the less likely I am to do that thing/task because I associate it with the stress. Which is odd, because working on it would alleviate the stress of not doing anything, but apparently stress comes just by context.

Today of all days, I've (re) discovered that there is a big problem with constantly dwelling on something generates. If that task I'm thinking about has not been completed, thinking I need to do this brings with it a sense of accomplishment, because I have devoted my mental energies to considering it, and thus I alleviate some of the stress associated with it, and sapping myself of my ability to consider my priorities, and the momentum/impetus to actually complete them when I have time to do so.

I've come to this realization before, but I never had reasoned out WHY this is the case. Or at least, I don't remember doing it. It makes sense on a certain level. If I want to play a certain game, and I devote my mental energies while walking down the street or going to class when my mind is otherwise unoccupied, I won't have the desire to play when I get back.

Which places me in a conundrum. In order to recognize the priority of getting something done, I have to think about it, but thinking about it just makes me want to put it off. Some things I've learned I cannot do. I cannot plan an essay in my head. I've done this with fiction, prospective journal entries, other written things. Once I've thought it out, I really don't want to write it anymore. I guess for me, writing is more of capturing the thoughts I have as they come to mind immediately. I CAN however, write down snippets of things that idly come to mind while pondering. That is more productive, because it involves the actual transcription of free thought, instead of bothering with mental exertion. I just realized what I've described is brainstorming. They don't fucking tell you to write everything down. Maybe they do, maybe my mind has finally put the contextual pieces into place.

Some other obvious, yet not so obvious epiphanies. The more I participate in class, the more interested I get. Again, sounds obvious, but it really hadn't occurred to me. For me, class participation is the mechanism by which I engage myself in whatever I'm learning, because it provides stimulation. This includes taking notes that aren't on the board (which keeps me occupied) or just plain 'ole participation. However, for Chinese, I really didn't participate much until the scores of two tests really forced me to wake up. I had to actively engage myself DURING class. I mean, duh right? Wrong. Sure, they tell you that, but if you've been able to get As and Bs without really throwing yourself into the material, you're not gonna start suddenly. And this is where the magic of flashcards come in. If I familiarize myself with the characters before we start reading the examples and practices, I'll know what the fuck I'm reading. This gives me a chance to participate. This chance to participate and be correct raises my confidence, pushing me to participate more. I can't believe I forgot this. I did the same thing in Spanish Class in high school (3 and 4 at least). I didn't participate, I got C/B. I did, I got B/A. Fucking idiotic.

Again, I guess you don't really LEARN something like this until you consciously become aware of it. Transcribe it as one of your maxims. Unless you've ALWAYS got it the back of your head (which is where I need to store the information to do shit like papers, and my daily to do list).

The more nervous/tense/anxious your are about something, the worse you'll do on it. This applies for tests, girls, and sports. Why such a simple maxim stuck now? Because it's happened in enough different situations, in a given time period. Apparently, I have to be hit multiple times with the same stupid mistake before it really sticks, and in a short period of time. And I can't forget, which is why I'm writing.

That being said, it is bloody fucking amazing what women can do to your mood. They can take it to the deepest depths, they can bring it to the highest heights. Right now, the possibility of something has got me in a good mood.

I'm not even running on fumes. I have no idea what to call these things. They're not even worthy of etherealness.

Holy shit. Haven't slept in 40 hours. I feel euphoric. Like I'm on coke.

Aced my religion test, my chinese test? That's prolly another story. Oh gods. And I might go take a practice run at the GRE hungover tomorrow.

From Omonomono "I’d also like to mention how Gurren Lagann is glowing with a really artificial notion of manliness. I mean if I watch old samurai films, the societal norm of manliness is a much more subtle and tempered concept than this “ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWAH” nonsense, and yet both take that realistic approach towards the fate of a swordsman who outlived his purpose. There’s a beautiful parallel here that I’m not sure if anyone drew–just like the samurai went the way of the past after the modernization of Japan in the Meiji era. I guess, so are childhood dreams that vanishes with adulthood. Fighting robot fantasies have little space in an adult world. People like Simon are not this world would like you to be, this day and age, they are rugged, uncouth, drunk, or act like a loser."

I know that goddamnit reality. But every 19 year old jock/nerd/ADHD/gifted guy/anime geek/inner child=outer immaturity needs heroes. Simple men who act virtuously, and with purpose. Saying stuff like this breaks my heart. And makes me cry.

Sousuke Sagara, Kamina and Simon from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Takashi Komuro from High School of the Dead, Rock Okajima from Black Lagoon, Yamato Akitsuki from Suzuka...they're all virtuous guys. All pretty GAR. I'll admit however, that they're only the salad dressing on my moral buffet. I made the choices I did, largely because my parents gave me a moral backbone.

But guys like that, fictional or not, give me some fuel. I'll admit I don't think of them in the critical moments (more substantial moral examples persist), but in times like this, I definitely like to think I share something in common with them. Probably because I've got my future ahead of me.

And frankly, I'm such a kid inside, I'll never let my childhood dreams fade. Thankfully those were working for the CIA/governmental agency.

As Kamina-sama said..Why are your eyes in front of you? To look towards the future.

Simple. By the pretty covers. Or at least, that's how I choose Science Fiction books/Fantasy books. Everything else? The covers catch my eye, and the writing on the jacket/back.

But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I don't want to write on Marx and Locke, on their respective takes on property and liberty.

I was curious to see how some of my favorite bands made out on Meta Critic, on my favorite albums. So I looked up what some big musical authorities thought of em.

In short, the Village Voice and Rolling Stone can go burn in hell. They wouldn't know decent dance music (in the case of Daft Punk) if it cross checked in the back and punched them in the throat. And then the Magazine that calls Discovery a masterpiece is horribly wrong about The Hives. My final take on music critics? Fuck you, I'm never listening to you confusing bastards again.

Also, reading artists' reaction to 'The Painted Word' is really funny. Because Tom Wolfe is right about some things in the book. And everybody was ridiculously offended.

"In the beginning we got rid of nineteenth-century storybook realism. Then we got rid of representational objects. Then we got rid of the third dimension altogether and got really flat (Abstract Expressionism). Then we got rid of airiness, brushstrokes, most of the paint, and the last viruses of drawing and complicated designs". After providing examples of other techniques and the schools that abandoned them, Wolfe concluded with conceptual art: "…there, at last, it was! No more realism, no more representation objects, no more lines, colors, forms, and contours, no more pigments, no more brushstrokes. … Art made its final flight, climbed higher and higher in an ever-decreasing tighter-turning spiral until…it disappeared up its own fundamental aperture…and came out the other side as Art Theory!…Art Theory pure and simple, words on a page, literature undefiled by vision…late twentieth-century Modern Art was about to fulfill its destiny, which was: to become nothing less than Literature pure and simple"

Think about that. I can't. I've got an essay to write, and a test to study for. One after the other.

Not as screwed, actually much less so. Still having my moments where everything seems hopeless, but ah well. Actually not failing nor have I failed to turn in a major assignment and all that.

I'm relatively well. Doing things imperfectly and all that. Glad I'm good friends with my former roommates, because they're honestly the people I spend the most time with. They're good guys, really similar to each other in personality though.

When I stay study my ass off, I do, but only for a special limited time offer. I study like Car Dealerships have actual deals, only when they really need to and only for special limited time cash back we are overstocked and need to get rid of this inventory by Friday.

It's obvious I have bad study habits. Stuff IB was supposed to teach. As long as I continue to be rewarded (lately, been on quite the streak what with me getting an A on my political science essay, chapter seven test in Chinese, 2nd Midterm in CPO (which brought my grade up a bit!). I just hope I'm not undoing matters by being a lazy bitch. And I probably am. Damnit. I wish I wasn't one.

Anyway, I've learned a couple things. One, all I need is an icebreaker to talk to a girl, and after that, I'm pretty set. Also need the balls to talk to as many girls as possible. So did some of that the other day, but I get pretty uncomfortable what my behavior reminding me of being a hyena, or a vulture.

That kind of thing is I suppose what you need to do, but c'mon...it's kinda ridiculous.

So I forget to bring home one of my Xbox 360 controllers. Big mistake. My brother invites an army of children over to play Halo 3 on his Xbox 360. So he needs the two controllers I brought home. Normally I'd have no problem with this but...it is ridiculously uncool to take my controllers by parental fiat when I have waited a fucking YEAR for Mass Effect (Bioware's new RPG) to come out, and I was all set to play it on the day it comes out. So I sit on my heels so to speak, and I am forced to such things as HW (ON BREAK, I KNOW!) to fill the void. Talk about delayed gratification. The kicker is that the other kids have XBOX 360 controllers, but can't be bothered to get them. I can't even practice Guitar Hero because of this Tyranny. And the girl he invited over...reminds me of myself at that age. A total jackass who has no idea how much she makes other people hate her. She needs a reality bitchslap, but it ain't my place. Dunno how old she is, but she has the imperious attitude of an elder.

So now I wait, oh how I wait. I feel like curling up into a ball, but I can't because I have to be a good boy who sets a good example and not play around with my game.

Plus I really can't hang around with my family. Even though I came home early, I'm highly contagious cause I got an upper respiratory tract infection. Which manages to upstage the reason I came home. Boo bacterias. Yay for carpet bombing them with antibiotics.

The kids over right are really loud. I kind of want to rip their voiceboxes out. My only defense against the din is to stuff my earbuds into my skull and crank the volume, completely blocking out all sound.

I wanna play Mass Effect already. Evil little buggers.

Fucked.

I hope I don't fail out of UF. That'd like torpedo my life. I don't want to torpedo my life. And I'm circling the drain here people. Or I feel like I am. Contact me, email or something. Let me know I'm going to be okay. Or at least tell me to get off my ass or something. Because I'm losing it here.

I found this while I was looking for the extremely hot chick in Kayne West's 'Stronger' video. The writer has apparently no fucking clue that Kayne West sampled daft punk's 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger'. And it's hilarious to read. Is she FUCKING serious? God, she must hate every single trashy rock song written about girls, (Cheap Trick's Surrender, AC/DC, Cherry Pie). This is classic example of political correctness becomes absolutely insane. Um, she even slams 'Hey there Delilah' song. If it wasn't so funny, I'd consider it utter garbage. And FYI, the girl in stronger is 'Cassie' Filipino African American, and fucking SMOKING. The rest of her blog? I've got no idea, but her femtiques are hilarious.

N-now th-th-that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger

The above lyrics to "Stronger" is a widely held moral belief that what does not kill someone makes them stronger. They are admirable lyrics that perfectly coincide with the title of the song. Here's where things get hairy:

Let's get lost tonight
You can be my black Kate Moss tonight
Play secretary im the boss tonight.

Why do the producers of this video use Cassie, who is a talented singer in her own right, represent the "black Kate Moss" Kanye is referring to in the lyrics? If you watch the video in it's entirety, Cassie, who is a gifted singer... is reduced to eye candy. Check out the latest cover of Complex Magazine

By the way, "Complex is a metropolitan men's style/lifestyle magazine founded by Marc Ecko in 2002. The publication offers mainstream readers insight into the latest trends in urban America's niche cultures, such as streetwear, sneaker culture, hip hop, and graphic art.

Complex always has two different covers. One cover is a male superstar and the other side is a female superstar. In the above magazine covers, Kanye's title reads, "Guest editor Kanye West talks style with T.I." while the other side of the magazine cover with Cassie reads, "Kanye West gets Cassie to Reveal all Inside".

What I am wondering is this... what exactly is so complex about a magazine that objectifies women and optimizes males? It's not complex at all; in fact, in feminism it's called patriarchy or male supremacy, if you will. Simple... not so complex... and happens frequently, often without repercussion.

Cassie is not utilized in this video or song as a singer, but merely as eye candy. Watch this video on how her body is used to sell his album:

Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke
And she'll do anything for the limelight
And we'll do anything when the time's right
Ugh, baby you're makin' it
(Harder, better, faster, stronger)

And what is up with Kanye singing that he wants a "blonde dyke"? Blonde dyke could refer to many things, but most obviously... it's a slang term for the word lesbian. Supposedly, it has also been reappropriated to mean "assertiveness and toughness". If Kanye wants a Kate Moss and an assertive blonde woman, then why exactly does he exploit a multi-ethnic black woman instead of a white woman? Exploiting either woman would be just as sexist, but based on racial stratification (social power hierarchies) it would not be as acceptable to the American public.

How could this song / music video be feminist friendly and still maintain it’s pop appeal?

1. Kanye, the writers of the song, and the producers should focus more on the original message ... "stronger"... that whatever doesn't kill one makes them stronger. The addition of "blonde dykes" and a "black Kate Moss" are random attributes that merely reinforce sexism in pop media.

2. Utilizing a singer should not be about extracting "looks" alone, because Cassie has more to offer. She is a talented singer who, if Kanye and his associated wanted to, could have been utilized musically. She could have had a part to sing in the chorus, etc. If Cassie had a part to sing in the chorus, who is to say that the song would sell less records? Maybe Kanye would sell more records by connecting more with his female audience by portraying Cassie as a "singer".

3. The gender stereotype of a woman being a "secretary" and a man being "the boss" reinforces male supremacy in a patriarchal society. Reinforcing male supremacy is not necessary to sell records... it is a choice.

Whoah. 6th Anniversary of a day that will forever live in infamy. I really hadn't realized it until I began to write this entry. We won't forget why the world will never be safe from twisted perversions of religion like Al-Qaida (you know what the convenient thing about them is? They were founded/funded by a ton of rich folks. Not the folks who were still getting raped by the aftereffects of imperialism).

Anyway. I've decided to record some observations in hopes I will better use this journal. Here goes.

I have a sworn nemesis at Gator Corner Dining. The guy has a mullet and a beard, and EVERYTIME I get in line for something that doesn't have much left, he's in front of me, and he ALWAYS gets the last serving.

I sweat heavily in this weather. Makes talking to girls extremely difficult, and it really doesn't matter if I ran to class or not. I still look like I sprinted all the way there.

I'm trying fencing with my ex-roommate. It seems to be fun. I think, we just got to pick up swords yesterday, after about 3 practices.

I'll probably be the one of only kids on campus who joined Vox (Planned Parenthood), and College Republicans.

Society Sluts don't like me for some reason. Any suggestions? Anyone?

My hair got cut short. I like that, looks neat and clean. Not messy.

I bought Arnold Schwarzenegger's book on bodybuilding. It might be tough to fence and do that, but I'm basically going for more mass and definition. I bought it for the techniques on working out, nutritional information, and other stuff. Before I was doing fencing and Cuong Zhu five days a week (last week). Decided I'd rather work out/ go to different clubs on Tuesday/Thursday.

This year looks like its gonna be a little different, just due to what I've been reading and attempting to actualize.

I like scrubs. Alot. It's my new favorite television show. I can relate to JD. He's a big dork, I'm a big dork.

Learning a language is very homework intensive in college. I have noticed this because of Chinese. Man is it intensive.

Funny how I now see my journal as an obligation to write in. Well, I guess cause I'm all uninformative and personal and you really can't say much about the entries. Mainly I discuss things I want to do or plan to do and that don't happen. So let's go for a change of pace. Let's see what I've done this summer...

/me looks at list.

Nevermind. Not even enough to list. But actually, I have wasted time this summer, but I've also made tentative steps in regards to addressing issues at my house and with my health/temper and all that jazz. The beginning of the summer, I remember my uncle said 'Remember, you're not the only screwed up one in the family.' How true it has been this summer. That's all I'm going to say on the part of my mother and my little brother.

Life has a funny way of telling you things. Last summer was awesome, and I thought I had gotten a handle on things. I thought I matured alot. College kinda undid all that, ensuring that nobody took me seriously. I pretty much was an idiot. I'm not going to say I didn't benefit from the experience. I know now how NOT to live for the other 3. Life kinda strolled by and tripped me, cause I wasn't really paying attention and assumed I had a handle on things. I am now in a position to find this humorous. It often takes me awhile to find absolutely horrible periods in my development funny. Looking back, I'm starting to see a pattern. Elementary School-I was horribly out of sorts and then adapted. Middle School- I was awkward and then adapted. High School- I was horribly _____ and changed. I think this is just another phase. Duh. I made the biggest philosophical mistake of my bloody life when I declared 'I'm going to figure myself out by twenty'. That set me up for a hell of a fall. So I've learned something from all this. Bottom line: Development is constant and never ceasing. Thus, you should be like water and merely flow with it. All of the problems life throws at us are based on a change that we weren't anticipating or have trouble adjusting too. That's really it. Change or lack thereof. Or so I think for now. Life will probably have a nasty way of showing me that it ain't so simple, and thus I will learn from that disaster.

Perspective. Overused, underutilized, and frequently never fully understood. I've come to understand the term a little better, and what you do when you rewire your thinking/preconceptions. How you look at things often determines what you make of them. A human is the only creature to be in a desirable situation and make themselves distinctly unhappy about it. We drag ourselves down, or simply don't allow ourselves the luxury of changing our perspective that much. For example, I'm doing something boring or routine. I'll use playing with the dogs as an example. If I think of it as boring and routine, it most certainly will be. However, I could also have fun, perhaps by screwing around by trying for different effects or bounces or changes of directions. Or I could just view it as a chance to chill out. Put more succinctly, if all I have a wrench, everything looks like it needs to be torqued. If all I'm looking for are answers/knowledge, I'll find solutions or insight in any situation. It's all what you're looking for. What has seemed so simple, but pretty damn incomprehensible is now making more sense. Am I always going to find solutions/insight/relief from boredom? Prolly not, cause I'm human. But you really can learn something from everyone, even if you find them unpleasant. I mean, I've heard that, but it took awhile to see the application.

Application. Pretty much its the most important thing when it comes to learning. Nothing really clicks until you can fully apply it. Yeah. I should know this, but see that's where you lose. When you assume you DO know the full extent of blank. You basically set yourself up for the fall. You close your eyes to opportunities to apply matters (If you're still reading, you may be nodding or shaking your head and wondering what the fuck the point is. Ask me at the end, and maybe I'll have an answer eh?)

Anime. I finally figured out why I like it. I might have already said it, but it bears repeating. I'm a coward when it comes to asking girls out or any of that (have I gotten better? Yes). But I understood that what I was feeling at the stereotypical male character that didn't have the guts to tell a girl he liked her, was empathy. I was in that boat. I too had the same problem. Or something along those lines. It really is why I watched that stuff. I'm not extroverted. Some people may beg to differ, but if only they knew that when I'm extroverted with strangers, I am literally forcing myself to be so, and the rest of me is straining against the effort. I don't really notice it, but being alone comes a little more naturally. Um. Back to anime. Robots. Lots of giant robots and mecha. Star Wars has it, Transformers has it, and so does anime. Technology that's pretty fucking sweet and probably impossible given how it was depicted. Idealized depictions of women. If I name my top ten of awesome anime chicks...chances are they've all got something in common. Either they're totally fucking badass (gruff but nice or something), or they're screwballs. They've also usually got big boobs, or a funky short hairstyle that somehow catches my fancy cause I'm weird like that. Would I get along with any of them if I interacted with a character similar? I have no fucking clue. Most of the characters I'd label awesome, I could probably also label em as bitches. Which brings me to my point. Being an observer makes things much easier than it looks. Duh. But especially socially.

Social things. I've just come to realize that I'm glad I don't entirely fit in with the majority of people I meet, or understand them completely. Because that means I'm different. And being different is what everybody else wants to be anyway. They strive to break away from the pack and be unique and not fade into the crowd. And everybody is a unique and beautiful snowflake. However, most of them don't establish that as their condition of their existence. They don't give you the 'I've never met someone like this before' vibe. Apparently I do that without even trying. I'm just learning now to actually like that. Even if it means a lot of infamy for doing really stupid things. Came to this conclusion when I was talking to my friends about friendships. One of buddies had just cut ties with some girl we both knew and more or less respected. I asked him why, and he said 'She wasn't really bringing anything into my life'. I asked what I brought. He said...'You're fun. You're not self conscious, and you don't really care how you look when you do stuff. People laugh at you, but its because...you're you. That's what's funny.' It's what I do, not what I say. I know take 'You're the most unique person I've ever met' as one the highest compliments I've received. I really can't change the core of who I am, so I'm glad that I can finally be happy with it. And realize that its a useful way to weed out people who are just a pain in the ass. If I'm myself, I don't need to engage in any other way of filtering people out. I do a pretty good job on my own. My roommate would ask certain questions, and depending on the replies, he'd decide whether to talk to the girl or not. I guess cause he appealed to a broader group of people.

(23:33:22) Andrei Burnside: I'm a generic person repellant.
(23:33:48) Andrei Burnside: You must be an exceptional human being to not run away in terror and actually get to know me.

Other people. I don't know about you, but for someone who hasn't experienced real romantic love. Or real love for anybody but family...What I feel for my friends is about the closest thing I've got. You should also never make plans and get excited about possibilities with other people. It leads to you not doing anything. Do it alone or with em, but do it regardless if they're coming or not. Or something.

Books. I've read A LOT this summer. Enough that I can't readily name everything I read, because I read for pleasure. I've read a lot of Ben Bova, books about Bolos (really big tanks that are controlled by sentient computers inside them), a Chuck Palahniuk novel or two, some Tim Dorsey books about terraforming...basically science fiction. And I read them for pleasure, because while I can remember the plots of a bunch of em, I can't remember the titles. Need to read some stuff that actually makes me do more than just visualize what's going on.

People are like onions. They've got lots of layers. You know what else has layers? GUITARHERO. I just bought it. It's like crack.

Sure I could've updated earlier, but my computer's been utterly broken, much like my enthusiasm for allotta stuff for a month. But that's about to change.

First, I fixed my fucking computer which was a chore. It was almost a total loss. Restoring from factory default gave me a whole new set of problems I had to fix. Computer didn't know it had speakers, a wireless card, a modem, and a bunch of other things. The only thing I haven't fixed is that it refuses to recognize that it has USB ports.

Like I said, things look set to start a'changin'. I might get a job depending on how I handle things tomorrow, fucking Saturn Dealer. Sure it's washing cars, but I need the cashzors. A couple friends I did NOT expect to see this summer. One's driving from Colorado (my friend from West Point, Collin.) and the other from Minnesota (Dan). And I haven't seen these guys in six months. Which doesn't sound like a long time but, I'm counting the miminal time they spent here christmas break. So I'm pumped. My ex-roommate's girlfriend is going to start UCF's summer session soon, and she's told me she'd like to hang out/ go to parties or something. She's pretty cool.

Things have the distinct potential to get interesting.

I mean, I'm doing a better job controlling my temper and restraining the ridiculous impulses that often lead me to break stuff...and been able to frame things in a more positive frame of mind lately.

And I've been actually working out on a mostly regular schedule. Which is a feat.

I still suck at Guitarhero though...and my hands smell like car wax.

And you saw the title. Finals...I don't know. If I get two As and two Bs, I'll be straight. If I get an A and a B plus, I'll be slightly less straight. If I get straight Bs, I'm gonna be pissed.

More on my exodus from Gainesville later. I'm going to sleep. NHL Playoff Hockey is teh best, even if it breaks my heart.

Also, I hate the world. I buy NHL 2K7 for the 360 in March at 50 dollars. NHL 07 is the same price. HOWEVER, NOW NHL 2K7 is priced at 30 dollars, and NHL 07 is still 50. And I hate myself for spending an extra 20 bucks.

Yeah. The Ottawa Senators can go suck a dick. Can't believe we lost in five. As my roommates have taken to saying...Congress in your face.

The Penguins will be back next year.

So I guess I'm rooting for Buffalo to win it all now.

Academic Finals are coming up. Joy.

I feel all like writing in my LJ mo' than once a month now, so here goes.

But before I begin, I must pose a question to anyone who reads...Is not apologizing arrogant? Or is it a reflection of someone's pride? If you never apologize, but you act apologetically...what does that make you?

I have solved the greatest mystery of our time, singlehandedly I might add. And what is that you may ask?

Where do all the hot black girls we see in rap music videos come from? Their source has long been a mystery to me, even I am not fully sure of my solution...For awhile, my roomie and I postulated they were bred in underground labs to meet certain specifications. We honestly had no idea. I did much research, watching rap videos with my roommate (ostensibly to test out his speakers). And I delved further by looking at the models on the covers of such august publications as Lowrider...and then...it hit me. They're all models. Not that kind of trashy model though, or those import car girls...but a different kind of trash. The kind of trash that might, for example, model for Dolce and Gabbana (which is worn by all the dumb punk kids in Italy, or at least, how it got popular). So...Mystery solved. Kinda lame, because I usually never see girls that hot on the street.

And then, oh have I got a story for you. An odyssey across cyberspace if you will which I hope has ended. It all began when I got my laptop. Previously, I had been perfectly content to use Firefox and Internet Explorer (one for normal stuff, one for porn). And then firefox started being a little bitch and not displaying some images for some fucking reason. And it got annoying. So I think to myself, okay, I'll just use Mozilla, the ol' Netscape engine stripped down. And that works for awhile. Then, on a whim, I install IE7. Bad idea. Internet Explorer, while it was being upgraded, decided in a fit of blind rebellion that it would not submit to these programming changes that would destroy the core of its identity, and committed seppuku. It never worked after that. After the Mozilla browser realized its only purpose was to clean up for firefox and view porn, it also killed itself because it didn't like using proxies and its purpose in its life. So, I got extremely annoyed by Firefox being a little bitch, and it began to fuck up more often. So I downloaded Opera. Opera was a righteous bitch. It did everything right, but when it came to downloading stuff, it just went so SLOW. So Firefox was tired of my surfing around, and decided to not work entirely. So now...I turn to Netscape. Netscape is the only browser that I love.